One liners worth laughing about :thumb: 4 out of the five voices in my head say I'm right I had amnesia once.....maybe twice Time is a great teacher – but unfortunately it kills all of it’s students Friendship is like peeing on yourself – everyone else can see it, but only you get that warm feeling. The man who smiles when something goes wrong is thinking of someone else to blame it on Its true that we don’t know what we’ve got till we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we are missing until it arrives I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine – the next day she locked me in the cellar. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think There are no stupid questions, just stupid people It takes 46 muscles to frown but only four to flip em’ off Behind every successful man is a surprised woman Son if you really want something in this life you have to work for it, now quiet they’re about to call out the lottery numbers (Homer Simpson) Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter, he ain’t gonna come Energizer bunny is arrested – charged with battery If Barbie is really so popular why do you have to buy friends for her? I told my doctor that I broke my leg in two places. He said quit going to those places (Henny Youngman) My wife said she wanted to go someplace that was new to her – I said “try the kitchen” Never go to a doctor whose office plants have all died When I was kidnapped my parents sprang into action – they rented out my rppm to the highest bidder. My computer beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick boxing Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, it’s just that yours is stupid I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants Anytime you have two Irishmen together, you have three opinions When you are dating a nice girl an hour seems like a second, when you sit on a red hot cinder a second seems like an hour – that’s relativity A. Einstein If you die in an elevator be sure to push the up button I think animal testing is a terrible idea – they always get nervous and give wrong answers Is it a good vacuum cleaner if it really really sucks? It’s impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and anyway your hat keeps blowing off Finally! :smack: "I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."