Have you noticed that all the pro abortion people have already been born? I made a huge To Do list today. I just can't figure out who is going to do it. Depresso: The feeling you get when you run out of coffee. I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!" and "here let me help you"! There are 3 stages of life: youth, maturity, and "my but you're looking good." When my wife found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof. I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you walked in. Bumper Sticker- Ask me about my vow of silence. If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers. People ask me how I made it out of the 50's and 60's and why I don't have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life. Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But,smoking bacon will cure it. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. I ask the believers in the big bang theory "well, OK then. But WHO lit the fuse"!?! I was going to join the debate team. But somebody talked me out of it. My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.